Real Men Read Harry Potter

 Harry Potter is by far the #1 best-selling book series of all time (100 million more copies sold than the #2 book series which is…wait for it…Goosebumps), yet I feel like HP gets a bad rap from men who have yet to read them. Maybe it’s that the first two books were originally written for young adults. Or maybe it’s because the protagonist(s) are all young adults that men don’t feel interested. Or maybe men look at a 7 book series and think, “no way do I have time for this.” Or maybe it’s because people associate it with those soft-core vampire fantasy books whose title shall not be named.

No matter what the reason, any man who hasn’t read the Harry Potter series needs to understand this universal truth: REAL MEN READ HARRY POTTER. To prove this truth, allow me to submit a manly scene from each of the seven books. We begin with book one:

HP and the Sorcerer’s Stone: There is a scene halfway through the novel where we are introduced to the game of Wizard’s Chess. it is essentially the exact same as normal chess, the only difference being that when you take an opponent’s piece instead of just removing it from the board, your piece comes to life and destroys the other piece into oblivion. Later in the movie, there is a life-sized Wizard’s Chess board and our champions Ron, Hermione and Harry have to play as potentially obliviated chess pieces.

HP and the Chamber of Secrets: Ever since I saw the end of Back to the Future, I’ve always wondered when flying cars were going to start gracing our skies. Well, for wizard-folk, the future is now. Ron and Harry miss the train to school, so they steal Ron’s dad’s car instead (a la Ferris Bueller), only this killer family truckster takes flight.

HP and the Prisoner of Azkaban: We’ve already been introduced to Quidditch in the first two books, but this book is the most dramatic chase for the Quidditch Cup. Quidditch is sort of a basketball and soccer hybrid, only played on broomstick. Oh, and the defenders carry around big clubs and try to knock you around with them. Harry is a natural, and his third year is his strongest Quidditch campaign. Guys love competition and sports; HP is certainly quite the athlete.

HP and the Goblet of Fire: This entire book revolves around a massive tournament between the different magic schools called the Tri-wizard Tournament. The best scene in the tourney is a duel between each Tri-Wizard contestant and a different type of dragon. Fire-breathing, flesh-eating, trying to devour you alive dragons. C’mon people. Dragons! Only way to improve it would be to have Gus Johnson calling the play-by-play.

HP and The Order Of The Phoenix: Suddenly the entire series starts to pick up steam. And it’s honestly difficult to come up with an epic scene that isn’t a major spoiler. Let’s just say that the Rebel Alliance is in full force against the dark side in this book. They meet up on the weekends at the local pub, down a few butterbeers and hone their wizarding skills.

HP and the Half-Blood Prince: Again, spoilers are hard to avoid, but there is one scene i have to mention. Harry reads about a new curse that he nor any of his friends have heard of before. He doesn’t have a clue what it does, but he decides to test it out on his classmate adversary, Draco Malfoy. Turns out it slashes him to bloody bits. Oops!

HP and the Deathly Hallows: Okay, this is turning out to be really tough to name a scene because any small nugget of information would ruin every book that precedes it. Let’s just say this: I have never read a more epic and redemptive piece of fiction. Period. War is waged and you turn the final pages so so satisfied.

Harry Potter is manly. Sports. Tournaments. Duels. Battles. Bloodshed. This series can go toe -to-toe with any other epic tale and either match or trump its greatness. Read it guys. You won’t be disappointed.

About APC

Following his days in the Octagon, APC worked for an undisclosed amount of time tracking and studying a colony of Yetis in eastern Nepal (read more about his travels in his memoir, "Backgammon 101: Let the Yeti Win"). Nowadays, he spends his time in Havana fitting model ships inside glass bottles, and counting his gold bullions with his chimpanzee, Don Ultimo.
Currently Reading:
-Millenium Trilogy by Stieg Larsson
-East of Eden by John Stienbeck
-Reservation Blues by Sherman Alexie

Comments

  1. The Gus Johnson mention made this post approximately 100,000 better. Easily.

  2. Well played, APC, well played. I avoided HP for years due to the reasons you mentioned… now they’re my favorite books ever. Epic.

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