Ultra Manly Coffee Guide

We here at iUMBC have got you covered. Not only do we provide exhaustive information on manly books, but we also keep you informed on many areas of manliness. See our holiday manly gift guide. Or our guide on how to write a manly story. Or the manliest retailer ever. If you have manly questions, this is the place to come.

So today I’m gonna help all you men out there with a common situation that men often completely botch: their coffee.

I work as a barista (those are the people who make your drinks at a coffee shop) a couple mornings a week, and several of our contributors have worked in coffee in the past as well. So we have the inside knowledge. Take our word. The information I’m about to share with you is privileged, known by those who are on the inside. So if you don’t want to get laughed at behind your back when ordering your coffee, follow these basic principles:

1. Do not order white chocolate, carmel macchiatos (a made up drink–see below), frappaccuinos (again, made up), or breves.
Excessively sweet drinks are sissy. A real man drinks coffee, not an inconsequential vehicle to deliver copious amounts of sugar. Also, many of these drinks actually contain more calories than a big mac, so if you want something in your stomach, go eat a hunk of beef, not a girly drink. You might as well go to a bar and order and appletini. Are you a sorority girl? I didn’t think so–don’t order a frappaccuino.

2. Drip coffee is manly. Straight shots of espresso are manly. Together they are ultra manly.
It’s called a depth charge, or shot in the dark, or red eye. It’s two shots in black coffee, and it is the manliest coffee drink you can order. It’s the next best thing to injecting caffeine straight into your veins, so you better be prepared. Either of them on their own are acceptable as well. If you do get regular coffee though, don’t pour a bunch of sugar or splenda or other crap in it. Good coffee is crafted like an art. It does not need to be excessively doctored. A touch of cream or milk is acceptable. Also, don’t order “bold” coffee. There is no such thing, nor does anyone really know what you mean. It’s a marketing gimmick, and you should not fall for it.
Having your espresso shots as a real macchiato is also acceptable (2 shots, 2 ounces of milk–a very small drink. That is what that drink really means, not the complete bastardization of the word by starbucks. Don’t be an idiot by ordering that at another coffee shop). Cappuccinos (like a latte but with more frothed milk) are also not un-manly.

3. Starbucks is not good coffee.
I hate to break it to all you power business men out there, but carrying a cup of starbucks does not make you seem more powerful. It reflects a lack of knowledge. It would be akin to drinking a bud light when much finer beer is available, or even quality spirits. There are times when it may be all that is available, but it should be a last resort–just like drinking a crappy beer. Starbucks over-roasts their beans in order to hide the bad tastes common to cheap coffee beans that they buy for mass-consumption. Find the good local coffee shops in your city. If you’re traveling, use urbanspoon to locate the best coffee shops in the area. I guarantee you that Starbucks will not be on that list. Put down the Natty Light.

About Luke

Luke learned to read at the age of two, whereupon he decided, like much of the male population, that it was a chore to be done only when absolutely necessary. Then suddenly at age nineteen, he discovered good books—he has been reading voraciously ever since, earning multiple literature and writing degrees. At any given moment you'll find him reading at least one book, smoking a cigar, up fifty feet in a tree he free-climbed.

Currently Reading:
Collected Stories by Alexander Pushkin
-Bonhoeffer: Pastor, Martyr, Prophet, Spy by Eric Metaxas
The Mystery of Being by Gabriel Marcel

Comments

  1. Brilliant. Just one question. Where do I get that mug?

  2. Another fun coffee fact: the lighter the roast, the more caffeine.

    The longer the bean is roasted the more caffeine is burned off. So for those looking for the biggest boost possible, go with a light roast. Exact opposite of what most people assume!

  3. Suckmyasshole says:

    You sound like a frappucino drinking fag, Luke.

  4. John Bilsbury says:

    I would say the follwing drinks are manly – drip coffee or espresso or kona coffee – turkish coffee all those are great. Latte is less so although a good one I could forgive. Frappuccinos and macchiatos are not. Some say tea is less manly although that varies. Maybe it is on average a bit so over coffee although still many teas, especially black teas are manly enough – go with English Breakfast, Orange Pekoe, Earl Grey, Ceylon Black, Darjeeling, Lapsang Souchong or a not overly flavoured Chai. If you choose green go with gunpowder or mate. White is less manly. Herb teas may not sound manly although a good one can be healthy although only if it is straight and nothing berry flavoured Chocolate in general is not especially if it is white (raw or dark both come in next).

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