Ultra Manly Coffee Guide

We here at iUMBC have got you covered. Not only do we provide exhaustive information on manly books, but we also keep you informed on many areas of manliness. See our holiday manly gift guide. Or our guide on how to write a manly story. Or the manliest retailer ever. If you have manly questions, this is the place to come.

So today I’m gonna help all you men out there with a common situation that men often completely botch: their coffee.

I work as a barista (those are the people who make your drinks at a coffee shop) a couple mornings a week, and several of our contributors have worked in coffee in the past as well. So we have the inside knowledge. Take our word. The information I’m about to share with you is privileged, known by those who are on the inside. So if you don’t want to get laughed at behind your back when ordering your coffee, follow these basic principles:

1. Do not order white chocolate, carmel macchiatos (a made up drink–see below), frappaccuinos (again, made up), or breves.
Excessively sweet drinks are sissy. A real man drinks coffee, not an inconsequential vehicle to deliver copious amounts of sugar. Also, many of these drinks actually contain more calories than a big mac, so if you want something in your stomach, go eat a hunk of beef, not a girly drink. You might as well go to a bar and order and appletini. Are you a sorority girl? I didn’t think so–don’t order a frappaccuino.

2. Drip coffee is manly. Straight shots of espresso are manly. Together they are ultra manly.
It’s called a depth charge, or shot in the dark, or red eye. It’s two shots in black coffee, and it is the manliest coffee drink you can order. It’s the next best thing to injecting caffeine straight into your veins, so you better be prepared. Either of them on their own are acceptable as well. If you do get regular coffee though, don’t pour a bunch of sugar or splenda or other crap in it. Good coffee is crafted like an art. It does not need to be excessively doctored. A touch of cream or milk is acceptable. Also, don’t order “bold” coffee. There is no such thing, nor does anyone really know what you mean. It’s a marketing gimmick, and you should not fall for it.
Having your espresso shots as a real macchiato is also acceptable (2 shots, 2 ounces of milk–a very small drink. That is what that drink really means, not the complete bastardization of the word by starbucks. Don’t be an idiot by ordering that at another coffee shop). Cappuccinos (like a latte but with more frothed milk) are also not un-manly.

3. Starbucks is not good coffee.
I hate to break it to all you power business men out there, but carrying a cup of starbucks does not make you seem more powerful. It reflects a lack of knowledge. It would be akin to drinking a bud light when much finer beer is available, or even quality spirits. There are times when it may be all that is available, but it should be a last resort–just like drinking a crappy beer. Starbucks over-roasts their beans in order to hide the bad tastes common to cheap coffee beans that they buy for mass-consumption. Find the good local coffee shops in your city. If you’re traveling, use urbanspoon to locate the best coffee shops in the area. I guarantee you that Starbucks will not be on that list. Put down the Natty Light.

About Luke

Luke learned to read at the age of two, whereupon he decided, like much of the male population, that it was a chore to be done only when absolutely necessary. Then suddenly at age nineteen, he discovered good books—he has been reading voraciously ever since, earning multiple literature and writing degrees. At any given moment you'll find him reading at least one book, smoking a cigar, up fifty feet in a tree he free-climbed.

Currently Reading:
Collected Stories by Alexander Pushkin
-Bonhoeffer: Pastor, Martyr, Prophet, Spy by Eric Metaxas
The Mystery of Being by Gabriel Marcel


  1. Brilliant. Just one question. Where do I get that mug?

  2. Another fun coffee fact: the lighter the roast, the more caffeine.

    The longer the bean is roasted the more caffeine is burned off. So for those looking for the biggest boost possible, go with a light roast. Exact opposite of what most people assume!

  3. Suckmyasshole says:

    You sound like a frappucino drinking fag, Luke.

  4. John Bilsbury says:

    I would say the follwing drinks are manly – drip coffee or espresso or kona coffee – turkish coffee all those are great. Latte is less so although a good one I could forgive. Frappuccinos and macchiatos are not. Some say tea is less manly although that varies. Maybe it is on average a bit so over coffee although still many teas, especially black teas are manly enough – go with English Breakfast, Orange Pekoe, Earl Grey, Ceylon Black, Darjeeling, Lapsang Souchong or a not overly flavoured Chai. If you choose green go with gunpowder or mate. White is less manly. Herb teas may not sound manly although a good one can be healthy although only if it is straight and nothing berry flavoured Chocolate in general is not especially if it is white (raw or dark both come in next).

  5. Set the price to either free or paid and fill out the
    corresponding fields. We have a black November for
    you to enjoy good sale. The format is therefore not as Android-friendly as for instance
    the ZIP or TAR file types.

  6. I just want to mention I am newbie to blogs and really liked your web page. Almost certainly I’m going to bookmark your blog . You certainly come with amazing article content. Many thanks for revealing your web site.

  7. I truly enjoy looking at on this internet site , it has got fantastic blog posts. “Do what you fear, and the death of fear is certain.” by Anthony Robbins.

  8. I just have to notify you that I am new to writing a blog and undeniably loved your webpage. Likely I am most likely to store your blog post . You certainly have extraordinary article materials. Be Thankful For it for telling with us your very own web report

  9. Dead written subject matter, thanks for selective information .

  10. That is some inspirational stuff. Couldn’t know that opinions can be this varied. Thank you for most of the enthusiasm to consider such tips here.

  11. I consider something really interesting about your web site so I saved to fav.

  12. I have been browsing online more than 3 hours today, yet I never found any interesting article like yours. It’s pretty worth enough for me. In my view, if all website owners and bloggers made good content as you did, the net will be a lot more useful than ever before.

  13. You are my breathing in, I possess few web logs and rarely run out from to post .

  14. Some truly superb articles on this internet site, thank you for contribution. “For today and its blessings, I owe the world an attitude of gratitude.” by Clarence E. Hodges.

  15. There are actually a lot of particulars like that to take into consideration. That could be a nice level to deliver up. I supply the thoughts above as general inspiration but clearly there are questions just like the one you bring up the place a very powerful factor will likely be working in honest good faith. I don?t know if best practices have emerged round issues like that, however I am sure that your job is clearly identified as a fair game. Each girls and boys really feel the impact of just a moment’s pleasure, for the rest of their lives.

  16. Fantastic site. Lots of helpful information here. I am sending it to several buddies ans additionally sharing in delicious. And obviously, thanks for your sweat!

  17. Enjoyed looking at this, very good stuff, thankyou . “A man may learn wisdom even from a foe.” by Aristophanes.

  18. I was looking at some of your blog posts on this site and I think this web site is really instructive! Continue putting up.

  19. I like this post, enjoyed this one appreciate it for posting .

  20. I’ve been absent for a while, but now I remember why I used to love this web site. Thanks, I will try and check back more frequently. How frequently you update your website?

  21. F*ckin’ amazing issues here. I’m very glad to look your post. Thank you so much and i am taking a look ahead to contact you. Will you kindly drop me a e-mail?

  22. You have noted very interesting details! ps decent internet site.

  23. Well I sincerely liked studying it. This subject procured by you is very effective for accurate planning.

  24. Hello, Neat post. There is an issue with your site in internet explorer, would test this… IE nonetheless is the market chief and a good part of other folks will leave out your fantastic writing due to this problem.

  25. Very interesting information!Perfect just what I was looking for!

  26. Just wanna remark on few general things, The website style is perfect, the written content is really good. “We can only learn to love by loving.” by Iris Murdoch.

  27. I really enjoy examining on this internet site , it contains good blog posts. “A man of genius has been seldom ruined but by himself.” by Samuel Johnson.

  28. What i don’t realize is actually how you are now not actually much more well-liked than you may be now. You’re very intelligent. You recognize thus considerably in relation to this topic, produced me in my opinion imagine it from numerous various angles. Its like women and men don’t seem to be involved unless it is something to accomplish with Lady gaga! Your personal stuffs excellent. All the time maintain it up!

  29. Hiya here, just got aware about your blogging site through Yahoo and bing, and have found that it’s genuinely informative. I’ll truly appreciate in the event you maintain this post.

  30. I really hope to notify you that I am new to blog posting and clearly liked your information. More than likely I am most likely to store your blog post . You certainly have amazing article material. Get Pleasure From it for expressing with us your current site information

  31. It’s truly a nice and helpful piece of information. I’m glad that you shared this helpful information with us. Please keep us up to date like this. Thanks for sharing.

  32. You really make it seem so easy with your presentation but I find this matter to be really something which I think I would never understand. It seems too complex and very broad for me. I am looking forward for your next post, I will try to get the hang of it!

  33. F*ckin’ remarkable issues here. I am very satisfied to see your article. Thanks a lot and i’m looking forward to contact you. Will you kindly drop me a mail?

  34. Very interesting topic , appreciate it for putting up. “Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.” by Lisa Grossman.

  35. Hello, i think that i saw you visited my site so i came to “return the favor”.I’m trying to find things to enhance my web site!I suppose its ok to use some of your ideas!!

  36. Thank you, I’ve recently been searching for information about this topic for a long time and yours is the best I’ve came upon till now. But, what concerning the conclusion? Are you sure in regards to the supply?

  37. I loved as much as you’ll receive carried out right here. The sketch is attractive, your authored subject matter stylish. nonetheless, you command get got an nervousness over that you wish be delivering the following. unwell unquestionably come further formerly again as exactly the same nearly a lot often inside case you shield this hike.

  38. Thank you for another informative blog. Where else could I am getting that kind of info written in such a perfect way? I’ve a challenge that I’m just now operating on, and I’ve been at the look out for such information.

  39. Unquestionably believe that which you stated. Your favorite justification appeared to be on the internet the simplest thing to be aware of. I say to you, I definitely get annoyed while people consider worries that they just do not know about. You managed to hit the nail upon the top and defined out the whole thing without having side effect , people can take a signal. Will likely be back to get more. Thanks

  40. Great write-up, I am normal visitor of one’s website, maintain up the excellent operate, and It is going to be a regular visitor for a long time.

  41. Thanks, I’ve just been looking for info about this topic for a while and yours is the best I have found out so far. But, what about the conclusion? Are you certain about the source?

  42. I truly enjoy reading on this website , it has got great posts . “We find comfort among those who agree with us–growth among those who don’t.” by Frank A. Clark.

  43. I have been absent for some time, but now I remember why I used to love this web site. Thanks, I will try and check back more frequently. How frequently you update your web site?

  44. Hi there, I found your blog by means of Google whilst looking for a related topic, your website got here up, it seems to be great. I’ve bookmarked it in my google bookmarks.

  45. Wow, marvelous blog format! How long have you ever been running a blog for? you made running a blog look easy. The entire look of your site is fantastic, as well as the content!

  46. magnificent points altogether, you simply won a emblem new reader. What would you suggest about your submit that you made some days ago? Any sure?

  47. Utterly written subject matter, regards for entropy.

  48. I genuinely enjoy studying on this internet site , it holds fantastic content . “Sometime they’ll give a war and nobody will come.” by Carl Sandburg.

  49. I have been absent for some time, but now I remember why I used to love this web site. Thank you, I will try and check back more frequently. How frequently you update your site?

  50. F*ckin’ awesome things here. I’m very satisfied to peer your article. Thank you a lot and i am looking ahead to contact you. Will you please drop me a e-mail?

  51. I dugg some of you post as I thought they were extremely helpful handy

  52. I really like your writing style, wonderful information, regards for putting up :D. “In every affair consider what precedes and what follows, and then undertake it.” by Epictetus.

  53. I just couldn’t go away your website before suggesting that I extremely enjoyed the standard info a person supply in your visitors? Is gonna be again continuously to inspect new posts.

  54. It is actually a great and useful piece of information. I am glad that you shared this helpful information with us. Please stay us up to date like this. Thanks for sharing.

  55. Thanks for the sensible critique. Me & my neighbor were just preparing to do some research about this. We got a grab a book from our area library but I think I learned more clear from this post. I’m very glad to see such magnificent information being shared freely out there.

  56. F*ckin’ remarkable issues here. I am very satisfied to see your article. Thank you a lot and i’m having a look forward to touch you. Will you please drop me a mail?

  57. Im no expert, but I believe you just crafted an excellent point. You certainly understand what youre talking about, and I can seriously get behind that. Thanks for staying so upfront and so honest.

  58. But wanna comment on few general things, The website pattern is perfect, the content is very great : D.

  59. Nice read, I just passed this onto a friend who was doing a little research on that. And he actually bought me lunch as I found it for him smile Therefore let me rephrase that: Thank you for lunch!

  60. Some really quality content on this site, saved to fav.

  61. I do consider all of the ideas you’ve offered in your post. They’re very convincing and will definitely work. Still, the posts are too quick for newbies. Could you please prolong them a little from subsequent time? Thank you for the post.

  62. I like what you guys are up also. Such smart work and reporting! Carry on the excellent works guys I¡¦ve incorporated you guys to my blogroll. I think it’ll improve the value of my site 🙂

  63. I went over this site and I think you have a lot of good information, saved to favorites (:.

  64. I have been examinating out many of your articles and i must say pretty good stuff. I will definitely bookmark your blog.

  65. Wow! This could be one particular of the most useful blogs We’ve ever arrive across on this subject. Basically Fantastic. I am also an expert in this topic therefore I can understand your effort.

  66. Nice blog here! Also your website loads up very fast! What host are you using? Can I get your affiliate link to your host? I wish my website loaded up as fast as yours lol

  67. I’d ought to talk with you here. Which isn’t some thing It’s my job to do! I quite like reading a post that will get people to think. Also, thanks for permitting me to comment!

  68. Very good article post.Really thank you! Will read on…

  69. I don’t even know how I ended up here, but I thought this post was good. I do not know who you are but certainly you are going to a famous blogger if you are not already 😉 Cheers!

  70. Say, you got a nice article post.Really looking forward to read more. Will read on

  71. pretty valuable material, overall I believe this is worth a bookmark, thanks

  72. I am just starting to learn about all of this. Thanks!

  73. Some truly prime content on this website , saved to my bookmarks .

  74. I gotta favorite this internet site it seems very helpful very useful

  75. As I website possessor I believe the content matter here is rattling fantastic , appreciate it for your hard work. You should keep it up forever! Good Luck.

  76. Wow, marvelous blog layout! How long have you been blogging for? you made blogging look easy. The overall look of your website is fantastic, as well as the content!

  77. I simply want to say I am just very new to blogs and absolutely savored this web-site. Almost certainly I’m want to bookmark your blog . You absolutely come with incredible stories. Bless you for sharing with us your website page.

Leave a Reply to John Bilsbury Cancel reply